I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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