just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
