Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.