I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
