Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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