DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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