put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
