Do you still have your period?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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