why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
