Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i've created a new STD.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
