If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
