OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
