just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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