i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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