rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
