a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
