I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
