just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
