paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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