You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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