Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
