there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
