i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dear god my vagina.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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