when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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