I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
