Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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