Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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