kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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