I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
