That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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