Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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