You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So many bounce houses so little time
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
