The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
