I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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