I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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