I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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