I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
