R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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