I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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