Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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