She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
