he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
