Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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