My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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