I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
