Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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