When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
