batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
