if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
