U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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