i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you win again, gameday.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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