My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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