I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize