And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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