There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
