so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
