There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
