remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
