We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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