I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
